Tell a Different Story

Friends of mine have been advocating what they call “telling a different story” if you want things to be different for a while now. The theory is that if indeed as Mike Dooley says, “Thoughts Become Things” then telling a different story changes reality. When I hear these things, I think to myself “well that’s simple enough”. BUT in practice, it’s really not so simple.

How many of us have a “story” about our horses? It may or may not be true but we repeat it often enough until we are certain it is one way or the other. My teachers like to say, “deal with the horse that shows up” and I have come to understand the wisdom of that because it keeps your preconceived notions out of our interactions with our horses. If I dared to concentrate on my rescue pony’s history every time I’m with her, I’m sure both of us would be so depressed all the time that we couldn’t stand to be with each other.

That story about her, while true, is no longer relevant. In truth, today she is one of the smartest, bravest, most beautiful animals I have ever known. Why would I ever dishonor her by continuing to tell the “story” of her past? It negates everything she is today. Can she still get scared? Can she still overreact and lack confidence? Can she still flinch when someone raises their arm too fast when close to her? Of course! But which story empowers both of us – her past or her present? Or maybe even her future?

Which story empowers us as human beings – the stories of our past – maybe even our childhoods? The stories of our present or the current situations we find ourselves in? My teachers say that the current circumstances in our lives are simply indicators of our past thoughts. (You might want to lick and chew on that one . . .) Maybe the most empowering story any of us can tell is the one of the future we’d like to have?

What story are you telling?

“A horse thinks all the time. Humans only think once in a while.”

You gotta love Ray Hunt. Unfortunately, I never got the chance to meet him. I’m thinking my skin isn’t quite thick enough to have ever ridden with him but I regret never meeting him. This is one his many quotes – he had quite few that were aimed at the perfection of the horse and the imperfection of the human. Being an imperfect human myself, I must say I find myself agreeing with him a lot.

I’ve been told by those with far more skill than I have that my particular horse, the infamous Lucky Bucky, out-thinks me on a regular basis. As Brent Graef said, “When you get up in the morning, just remember he’s been up all night thinking up games to play with you.” Think about that for a bit . . .

It’s the opinion of some uneducated total morons that horses are stupid. These are the people that Lucky Bucky doesn’t have to stay up all night to out-think – he could just do it naturally cause he started out smarter than they are. Thank goodness I don’t personally spend much time with people like that – it keeps me out of jail.

So if you’re horse thinks all the time and you’re only thinking every now and then, is it possible that therein lies most of the problem? I rode Lucky Bucky last night for the first time in a few weeks due to the sinus infection from Hell. I took things easy because he’s the kind of guy who can be very opinionated about being asked to work hard when he’s had a few weeks off. He’s like me – that Monday morning after a week’s vacation is pretty tough. I have to kind of ease into it. So last night, I just eased into it with him.

We started out doing somethings that he’s getting pretty good at – headset, backing softly, reaching under with his hind end when asked. He was doing pretty well so I took a few minutes to introduce a new exercise – stop when my seat asks you too. Amazingly enough he did very, very well. BUT there came a time when he decided he had had enough. A friend was with me on the ground and she saw it too. He just decided he was done. Well too bad for him because I was not done. I asked for more and he got very tense, his head went high and he hollowed his back. I could feel that old familiar feeling – he was getting ready to blow up. Now a blow up for Lucky Bucky is not really a big deal – he just ducks his shoulder and heads for the barn so it’s nothing I can’t deal with. But last night, I did something different.

I decided to think for myself. How could I cause what I was wanting to do – finish the ride with some nice headset, backing and soft circles with his body following the arc (that’s been hard for him) – to become his idea? What could I do or how could I be to cause my idea to become something he was OK with? I immediately put him in what I call the “Chris Cox School of Obedience” which is really fast turns on the forehand with my legs urging him forward – asking him to work harder than he would be working if he were following my original plan. Very shortly, he decided what I wanted to do was more than OK. He let out a heavy sigh and we finished the ride uneventfully.

Perhaps Ray knew what he was talking about (ya think?) – this human thinking thing could be one of the missing keys to horsemanship . . .

Believe in Your Horse

Brent Graef’s last words to me when I saw him were, “Believe in yourself. Believe in your horse. You can do it.” At the time, I thought they were just words of encouragement to send me home with, but since then I’ve been thinking a lot of believing in my horse. I’ve come to the unfortunate conclusion that most of the time I don’t believe in my horse. Wonder why that is?

I know that horse better than anyone. I can usually tell you what he’s going to do before he even decides to do it. So why don’t I believe in him? Although he’s dominant and pushy, he’s a terribly kind horse who has saved my rear end more than once. So why don’t I believe in him? Why don’t I automatically hit the pasture gate and have some faith in him? Maybe because I don’t trust myself.

There was a time in my not so distant past where I didn’t trust anyone – mostly I didn’t trust them not to hurt me. I grew up in an environment filled with emotional landmines and I learned very early to be mistrustful of other people. The people I attracted were not very fun to be around: an abusive spouse, a crazy (and I mean certifiable) friend, an employer who was a pathological liar, and a family member who was extremely manipulative and deceitful. For my own self-preservation, it was probably a good thing that I didn’t trust these people. Thankfully, all are gone from my life except for the family member – that’s a toughie. I limit contact as much as possible but it’s painful.

Things began to change for me when I realized that my main problem wasn’t that I didn’t trust others, it was that I didn’t trust myself to be able to handle whatever happened. Once I diagnosed that, then I was able to begin to count on myself to take care of myself – emotionally and physically. I quit the job; let go of the crazy friend (who’s still loony as a bedbug); divorced the spouse; and, stopped going back to North Carolina to visit my family as often. When I did those things, my trust in myself grew even more.

It’s no coincidence Brent’s words to me started with “trust yourself”. I have realized that I really do trust myself, and I’m wondering how life would be if I trusted my horse like I now trust myself. What would that look like? What would be different? I think it’s exciting to think about!

What about you? Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your horse? If not, how come? Think about it then let it go and see what changes come your way.

What a Glorious Day!

All I can think about today is that somewhere in a meadow just across the Rainbow Bridge, Patrick and Moochie are running like maniacs with the wind blowing and sun shining on both of them. There’s no pain and no hurt for either of them. And somewhere bringing up the rear are my friends, Don and Big Daddy, on Peppy and Fancy.

What a site that would be to see!

Life According to Radar, the Donkey – #2

I am so lucky. I have a horse who is just absolutely my heart. I love that being so much – it’s hard to put into words. I also have the privilege of having Radar, the damn donkey, live with me for however long he chooses. I really didn’t understand about donkeys before Radar. I have never really been around one before now.

That little donkey is really such a master of life. He never gets offended by anything . . . including my trimmer whom he really doesn’t care for. If I send him away, he just comes back in from behind. His sole goal in life is to do whatever he damn well pleases and just go with the flow. Isn’t that awesome?

Over the weekend, I left some buckets out in the pasture because I was working on a particular exercise with Lucky Bucky. Sometime Monday afternoon while I was in the house, I heard this really odd noise outside. I heard it once and dismissed it but a few minutes later, I heard it again so I went outside to investigate. As soon as I stepped onto my back deck, I spotted Radar in the back pasture with one of the small, Fortex buckets in his mouth. He was standing there happily just swinging his head up and down. Then I noticed Lucky Bucky standing right beside him with a very perturbed look on his face. So I sat down to watch the Lucky Bucky & Radar Show.

It didn’t take long before I uncovered the strange noise. It seems that Radar had decided that Bucky should play with him and his newfound toy, the bucket. (Reminds me of the walruses – www.walrusbucketsaga.com.) Anyway, all of sudden Radar whacked Bucky right on the side of the head with the bucket. Bucky flattened his ears at him but Radar just went back to happily swinging his head up and down with the bucket. This happened 3 or 4 times while I watched.

Now I know some would question Bucky’s intelligence for standing there taking whacks upside the head but in the equine world he who moves his feet loses the game and Lucky Bucky moves his feet for darn near no one. Plus, he and Radar play like this all the time so it’s nothing new for both of them to have some battle scars from their games.

As I sat there watching, I decided I was learning yet another life lesson from Yoda Radar: If you want to play with someone and they act like they don’t want to play with you then just whack them upside the head with a bucket.

I’m taking it to heart. I brought a bucket to work with me today . . .

The Devil is in the Details

Or so “they” say. I’m learning a lot about the little details lately. Buck Brannaman says that a horse that isn’t trailer broke isn’t halter broke. Now that’s one of those little details I wish I had known a while ago. Could have saved frustration and tears!

If that’s true, how does one actually halter break a horse? (Oh and I am so over this “don’t use the words ‘break’ or ‘train’ if you profess to be a student of natural horsemanship”. Horse manure!) It depends on your definition of halter broke. If halter broke means you can get a halter on your horse, then you’re in for an interesting time.

Halter broke to me means that once I put the halter on my horse then my horse is with me. When I slow down, he slows down. When I speed up, he speeds up. He watches me and me alone for his cues. As always, some horses are easier than others. I happen to have a horse who is the herd leader at the barn so, by his very nature, he is the lookout for the herd. It’s hard for him to give that lookout/herd leader status to me. It’s hard for him to be with me as a partner.

I have a pony who is so terrified that a human is going to hurt her that she watches every move I make whenever I’m within 100 feet of her. It’s REALLY hard for her to be with me as a partner.

I’m not talking about your horse mirroring you as some suggest. When you control a horse’s feet, you control the horse. Sometimes you control the feet by controlling the mind and sometimes it’s vice versa. I’ve been drilled lately on two things: 1) Where is his mind? 2) Am I in control of his feet? (This is true under saddle as well as on the ground.)

My horse is one of those VERY smart horses – I have to work to stay ahead of his mind. And I mean work hard. I have to watch him like a hawk and know the signs right down to the flick of the “outside” ear. Those are the details.

Halter broke to me means that my horse follows my suggestion. It means that I can think “please go in the trailer” and his mind goes in first then his feet follow. Note: Buck Brannaman’s trailer loading DVD is masterful.

If you’re having trouble with your horse on the ground, you might think about whether or not your horse is truly halter broke. Turns out mine wasn’t. We’re fixing that. The fix is part correction and part teaching. I’m correcting when his mind isn’t with me or when his feet don’t follow my feel. I’m teaching him that he can trust me to be his 51% partner. He can trust me to come with me. He can trust that I will never ask him to do something that’s not safe for him. I’m making him a promise that we’re going together wherever it is we’re headed.

The detail that most people overlook is the detail of when the horse’s mind leaves. Either they notice that moment and do nothing or they just don’t notice the moment at all. If that’s you, take heart. This is a process. It doesn’t come overnight. It starts with beginning to recognize the moment and then having to deal with the consequences. Then it makes it’s way to realizing what is happening in the moment and dealing with it. Remember the phrase “do less sooner rather than more later”? This is it. When your horse’s mind leaves you, don’t just stand/sit there! Do something! Even if it’s just a quarter turn or a change of direction or a bump on one rein. Do something!

I’m a talker so I talk to my horse a lot – another tenet of natural horsemanship that I ignore. When Lucky Bucky’s mind wanders these days, I bump the lead rope or rein and say “Hello! I’m talkin’ here!” He already thinks I’m a lunatic so it’s ok.

Try it and see what happens. Your relationship with your horse will improve because of it.

All You Ever Need Do is Just Show Up

It’s been a tough week. Probably tougher than I’d like to admit cause I’m a tough girl and I can handle most things life throws at us. I learned the ultimate lesson this week though – one that will remain a beacon for me in the years I’m here.

I got a call from my mother last Thursday afternoon commanding me to come home because she was finally ready to proceed with an intervention to force my father to seek help for his alcoholism. I was rather shocked to say the least because she’d been hemming and hawing about doing this for years. The situation had deteriorated though and she just could no longer care for my father on her own and because of his drinking, he could be not admitted to an assisted living facility. We had very few options.

The professional interventionist called me Friday afternoon and I will admit that I was rather defensive and resistant to what she had to say. My reasoning was sound – I absolutely refused to participate in further shaming my father under any circumstances. Not only No but Hell No, I would not write/read any kind of letter to him which outlined how his alcoholism had damaged my life. Because of recent circumstances in my life, I have come to view my father’s alcoholism as a blessing to me. It is precisely because I have watched him deteriorate from alcohol suicide over the course of the last 10 years that I ended my marriage a couple of years ago to a raging alcoholic. Today, I am happier than I have ever been . . . so, thanks Dad! You saved me from ending my movie the way I thought your’s and Mom’s was going to end.

So I hung up from a stilted phone call between strangers Friday afternoon – mostly with me not understanding her and most assuredly her not understanding me. All night, I just couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening. On one hand, I knew it had to be done. On the other, I most definitely did NOT want to participate. If my father wanted to drink himself to death then my attitude was let him die in peace. He had come so much further in life than his beginnings ever would have let on. My mantra was “just let him be”. What was I to do? How was I going to participate? Was I going to participate? How could I support my mother, my brothers and ultimately my father?

Even as I got in my truck to go to my parent’s home on Saturday, I didn’t know what course I was going to take. Two abiding principals kept coming to mind though: “Set it up for success” and “Be who you are”. Somewhere around Salisbury, North Carolina, I lined up with (and found peace in) deciding to just show up and do what felt right. Did I have the faith in myself and in the Universe to do that? As the miles ticked away, I just kept breathing as deeply as I could and reminded myself that after all these years of spouting about how It’s All Good, it was time for me to put my behavior where my mouth was.

I’m happy to say that (even though I am thoroughly emotionally exhausted), the rest of the weekend played out better than I ever could have predicted. The intervention went off very well, my father is now in one of the country’s finest addiction treatment centers and I am very proud of the role I played in helping my family through this situation. It’s not over – my Dad is 82 and he might not make it through detox this week.

I know some things this week that I didn’t know a week ago though – really and truly, all you have to do is show up and be who you are. We each bring a unique perspective and set of life experiences to every situation. No one else brings to the table what I bring to the table. And, this was NOT my first experience with staring down alcoholism. I had some things to say to my Dad that no one else there could have said. No one else in my family could have gotten away with calling him a liar to his face either and that seemed to turn his mind to accepting what we were offering.

The next time I’m faced with what some would call a really tough situation, I know what to do now – set it up for success as best I can and then just trust that whatever I say when I open my mouth will be just the perfect thing to say. That’s all. So simple and yet perhaps not easy. Not for me . . . because, just this once I’ll make this statement: I’m the daughter of, the granddaughter of, the sister of, the friend of, and, the ex-wife (twice) of an alcoholic. Bless them all for making me who I am today. Because of them, I was able to show up and be there for my father. He means the world to me – a lovelier, kinder Southern gentleman there has never been. The world will be a better place for having a sober Jack Elam in it. So, say a little prayer when you read this that whatever my father has in his vibrational escrow will be easy for him to line up with once the fogs lifts and he begins to connect with his Source again.

“I’ll go anywhere . . . as long as it’s forward”

I heard this statement many years ago and have always felt it to be a motto to live by. It goes along with my personal belief that life doesn’t really involve mistakes, just choices that take us to different places. I think this is one reason why many politicians just piss me off – they never move forward – they just keep going around in circles making no progress whatsoever. Oh well, that’s a different subject for a different day.

Someone I know says “don’t just stand there, try something new”. I love that! It makes perfect sense to me. When something isn’t working for us, we don’t have a lot of options – live with it, change it or get out of it. Changing it is usually my first option. So when my horse is behaving in a fashion I don’t care for (which he does sometimes), I have to put on my thinking cap and think of something new to try. I love the look on his face when he realizes I’ve done something new! He cracks me up!

People are like that too and so is life in general. Take a look at what’s not working and think of something different to do. Not something drastically different – just a little different. Like a friend who decided to change her morning routine and called me hysterically laughing because she “washed her hair with conditioner”. We are such creatures of habit. Total creatures of habit.

What’s one thing you can do something new about right now?

I love Facebook!

Truly I do. It has been so much fun finding people I lost touch with a long time ago. For someone who only put down roots in life about 6 years ago, it has been very touching to catch up with people from my past.

An interesting thing is happening – I’ve heard from people I truly had forgotten all about. Some are people I really enjoyed being around when I was younger. Catching up with them again has just made me smile all over again at who they are.

I lived most of my early life in my own head. I was very sensitive and shy (some may dispute that but it’s true) and because of it, I kept to myself and only had a small circle of close friends. But there were people who touched my life that I really liked. And now they’re saying hello again. It is SO MUCH FUN!

I continue to be amazed at the technology available to us. I pick up my little Spock flipper and can call anyone around the world at a moment’s notice. I hear a little dingaling and it’s my favorite guy in the whole world texting to see how his Mom is. Thanks to the Internet, I have friends literally around the globe. If I’m feeling snarky, I email Jennifer with my latest pithy comments. Whenever I want to know about something, the Internet brings it right to my fingertips (today’s search was about fixed ring snaffle bits). It’s all there – laid out for me to find at my leisure. Just for me! Really – it’s like the Universe made it just for me. Just to answer my questions or make me smile. How amazing is that!

And now we have Facebook and I’m talking with Paula, Jean Anne, Frauke, Carrie, Sally (where the Hell did she disappear to in 1976??), Kelly, Theresa, and I found Betsy! It is just so incredible. Really it is.

When my friend, Abe, talks about feeling connected, I don’t think this is what he has in mind, but I’ll take it. I love feeling connected!

Correcting or Teaching?

I think this concept applies to life in general as well as our relationships with our horses. When you’re playing with your horse or riding your horse, do you always know the difference between correcting your horse and teaching your horse? Because they’re different.

Teaching happens at a much slower pace with clear communication and lots of soak time. Correcting happens very fast (or at least it should). If your horse is behaving in a dangerous fashion, correction is what you want. Clear correction – no mamby-pambying around. The message is “Stop it! Right now!”

There is no correction in teaching – not really. But there is teaching in correction. You teach the horse who you are and what you will tolerate. We might say there’s also teaching in not correcting – if you neglect to correct your horse when necessary, you’re teaching your horse that you’re not a leader and you have no boundaries. Same goes for spouses and kids!

This is not to say that I believe corrections should be mean or abusive. Absolutely not. But corrections need to be immediate and effective. Teaching takes place over a longer period of time and with much more patience. There is no patience with a dangerous horse – correct it now and leave it alone.

Can you always tell when you’re playing with your horse or riding your horse which mode you’re in? Something to think about, huh?